why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
