how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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