The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
