Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Liz is crying about burritos again.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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