I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
