How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
