I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
