im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We are all done wearing pants today
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize