my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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