It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
