drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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