if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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