I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
