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The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just threw up on my dentist
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
