I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
