i need an iv and a liver transplant
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
