Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
