We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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