i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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