so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
