I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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