I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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