So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
