im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
