he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
