I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
