We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
