My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
