I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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