Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
