I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I think I am morally bankrupt
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize