i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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