Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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