I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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