im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
