i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize