it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
