If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
