I met the friendliest cop last night
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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