So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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