Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
