She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
