i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
