there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
you inspire me to be a worse person
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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