Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
