This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize