ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
