I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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