thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
