Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Someone signed my nipple.
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