You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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