I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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