Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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