ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
