I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
