hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize