a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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