I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
