So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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