why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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