I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Can you bring me the toilet please
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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