We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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