I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
