I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You are the jesus of drinking
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
