nut hugger
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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