nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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