Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
