in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
