i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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