Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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