just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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