do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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