To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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